A guide to torturing Mayuri for Dummies!
by LoliBat
Summary: well, you've met everyone's least favorite captain, now let's see how to make his life worse in every way possible! Karma also decides that it's time for Mayuri to reflect upon his actions, in a not so nice way of doing it.Rated T for my dirty mouth.


Many many ways to make Kurotsuchi Mayuri loose his mind!

Disclaimer! I so own Bleach! NOT! Think peoples!! If I own bleach, Mayuri wouldn't exist, and I wouldn't be writing FANFICTION!!! Geez, what is the point of these idiot things anyways? It's completely pointless… Anyway, I don't own the 'for dummies' series either.

Mandy: As you know, the big horn sheep look alike isn't very popular, so since karma is a bitch, it's payback time.

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Take away his freakish baby of a zanpakuto's pacifier and milk and blame it on Mayuri.

Bribe Yamamoto's secretary to giving 12th division more paper work than the 10th (which holds the most paper work in a single day given record).

Take away all his robotic assistances, including Nemu, thus forcing him to do them all by himself.

Take away his tea/coffee when he needs it while he runs overtime to get the paperwork done.

Hack into his computer system and feed him false data.

Laugh as he get punished by Yamamoto for feeding a false warning to the Gotei thirteen, due to his 'mysterious' flaw in his data.

Tape posters all over Seireitei that says "We want Urahara back for taicho of 12th division, not some demented clown freak!!" showing Urahara sticking his tongue out at him, and make sure it can't be traced back to you.

Rant on and on at how Urahara pwns Mayuri all day, and start a club for it.

Make his research computers play Rama Lama Bang Bang non-stop 24 hours a day at the highest volume possible.

Reset all his passwords so that he can't get in his computer system.

Infect his computers with virus that makes weird and inappropriate advertisements pop up every 5 seconds.

Steal his hat and shinigami uniforms and replace them with pink frilly ballerina dresses.

Tell Yoruichi to cross Mayuri's path numerous times, make sure every tea cup he drinks out of will crack, make the mirrors he look into break, make sure every bowl of rice he eats has a pair of chopsticks stuck in the very center.

Post false/true rumors about his most embarrassing times when he was a kid all over the internet on laptops and wireless all over Seireitei and make the only accessible site all his research data with lemony goodness of fanfics.

Keep a pigeon in your hands and make it fly over Mayuri's hat-less head when it needs to use the bathroom, badly.

Tickle him in his sleep so that when he wakes up at 3 AM in the morning screaming his ass off at not being able to sleep, he'll wake up all the other captains and make them pissed off at him.

Make the Central 64 condemn him to years of cleaning the sewers under Seireitei as a punishment for crimes against humanity (err shinigamity…o.o does such things exist?)

Outsmart him on the internet in everyway possible, to simple chess games, to simple math problems.

Make sure that 12th division is out of hot water, so he'll have to take cold water showers, in the middle of December.

Make sure Hyorinmaru freezes every inch of his division, to make all things cold, including the already-cold water.

Shave his head while he is sleeping, then tell Yachiru that Mayuri is bald underneath his huge heavy hat.

Point and laugh as Mayuri tries to shake Yachiru off from his now bald head.

Make Nemu malfunction and bitchslap Mayuri in the face every minute and shunpo away afterward at yoruichi-like speeds.

Accidentally slip to Soifong that Mayuri wants Yoruichi for his horrid experiments.

Eat all of Toushiro's watermelons and leave the peels and seeds all over Mayuri's desk and office.

Tell a traumatized Momo that Mayuri forced Aizen to betray soul society.

Steal Byakuya's girly hair clips and peg it on Mayuri.

Hack into Mayuri's bank account and buy all the sake in Seireitei and Rukongai and use Mayuri's money.

Tell a pissed off Kira, Shunsui, Rangiku, Iba, Ikkaku and Hisagi that Mayuri bought all the sake.

Sell tickets for the pink-frilly-dress-wearing-mayuri-gets-run-over-by-angry-shinigami show and earn lots of money

Make sure to point out that Mayuri can't defend himself using shikai and bankai, because his zanpakuto refuse to obey a pacifier-napper.

Use the money to buy cameras to take pictures and a video recorder to record the whole thing down on tape.

Use the footage and post it all over Youtube, and make the username uraharaisabetter12thdivisioncaptain. (AN: not sure if such a username exist, probably not)

Sell the photos on the black market, use them to black mail him, and pass them out all over Seireitei.

Keep a plain face on while Mayuri sets security cameras and pitfall traps trying to catch the culprit that is so hell bent on destroying his life.

Use shunpo in the air to avoid all traps & security cameras. (AN: it's done before in the anime)

Write a I-hate-mayuri fic

Show the amounts of people that actually favorite/alerted/reviewed the fic.

Speak and act like an annoying n00b all day around him.

Make his subordinates do the same.

Mandy: well, what do you think? I got the inspiration after reading a fic in which Mayuri is a horrid old git, so I decided to write a quick fic for all mayuri-haters. Not sure if any ideas are repeated, not that I care to be honest, just thought it was funny. If by any chance that it was copied, tell me which ones and I'll take them down. First fic, which is ironically written over hatred for a character..O.O well review if you want to. Bye!


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